Reading the title of my blog seems so dramatic, so unnecessary and yet  how I feel. I try to be brave, I try not to let pain rule me and yet I can not numb it. On September 13th 2022 I lost my girl Sonetto, she wasn't even four months old. I recall the day she was born, May 22nd 2022 I received the exciting message that my mare Encore had given me for her final foal, a filly. A filly I have wanted ever since I decided to retire my mare to be a mama for the rest of her days. She had her first foal Titus at age 19, a few years later she had Chrome, followed by Soprano all I was grateful for, All I had held hope for the miracle of a filly. So to say I was excited was an understatement 


​Encore at age 24 as her gift to me, gave my a perfect little package, a beautiful bay filly. I named her Sonetto ( meaning little song )  I never got to meet this little girl in person until the end of August. I settled for pictures and videos of her all the while knowing soon I would meet her. The updates were fantastic, she was a mini Encore in her attitude and overall persona. When I finally made that trip to Alberta to meet her,  I recall walking to the fence, whistling for Encore, her head popped up as she gave me a welcome nicker, in the pile of hay beside lay Sonetto. I cried happy tears, there she was, she popped her head up and greeted me, unlike her brothers she was quite happy to make my acquaintance.

 I visited them both, told Encore how proud I was of her and whispered great plans into Sonetto's ears.
I left that day only to return a week later. The visit was great with both of them, even tried to visit with Soprano, now a yearling, he is aloof and pretty sure I am the dumbest thing he's ever seen. Boys, I thought to myself, as I walked back to the pasture where Encore and Sonetto were. Sonetto left her moms side to see me, we talked more about how she was a star and how much I loved her, it was instant for me and when she looked at me, I felt the same thing. I told her how much of an amazing barrel racer her mama was and how I wished I had more knowledge at the time to train her, Encore was that NFR horse that I didn't have the tools to train correctly, now I told Sonetto I can do it with you. I kissed her nose, smiled at Encore and "said take care of your girl" and walked away. I never imagined that would be the last time, two weeks later she was gone.
The cause was left undetermined, a massive infection took over her body, none of the usual suspects were detected, We tested for them all. All the vet said was I do not know. I did try to save her, she wanted to fight, so I fought alongside her, I recall hearing the tone in my vets voice, it was sympathetic and understanding, but without words i heard her say " there's no hope" I cried more in that week, than I have in a long time. 
WHAT THE FUCK! How is this fair? it makes no sense! What have I done so wrong in my life to deserve this? Why give me something I want so bad, only to take it away? I was mad, sad and so lost. 
Less than a week later I had to make the call to put Sonetto down, give her peace and freedom. There are no words for that moment, a dream lost, a young spirit taken too soon, a woman on her knees begging for a light.















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As a foot note, please know I share for me, it is how I heal. if anyone or everyone reads this is of no concern to me. I do ask, if you see me at a barrel race to know I am there trying to keep a promise and as much as I want to runaway from the sport of barrel racing, I'll keep my head high and drop it low when I feel the need to feel. There is no shame in heartache, but I am the type of woman who wants to be strong and uplift others, not burden them with my confusion.  
​Monique 

It has been well over a year since my last journal entry on my website.
I either  had nothing to say or everything to say and didn't put the feelings to text.
I was surprised by what happened today, an insignificant moment that turned to symbolize a perfect moment in time.  
I went for a hike today, I had not hiked in sometime, only beginning again the day before.
My lungs burned as I climbed up that mountain, when I reached the top, I was winded taking a moment to catch my breath. I looked out at the ravine below, it was green from the recent rains, pretty I thought. I closed my eyes and tried to tune out the outside noises , this was something I use to do well. It was so easy  to tune everything out and hear the distant sounds of different species of birds. Today though I was annoyed with the highway noise but I still kept my eyes closed and tried. I did hear a few birds calling, they were quite loud as if to say, " hey stupid, I am right here " lol. I gave up and opened my eyes. I wish I had taken a picture of what I saw, when did the green become a variety of greens? emerald green, lime green, pine green, more greens than I had names for. It was pretty spectacular.
I walked around the edge and made my way back to the familiar sight of home


​I happened to look down and there was a bracelet exactly like mine, I guessed my son had lost his as I had given him the same one a few years ago. It was a bracelet I bought in Zimbabwe from one of the local park rangers. 

I looked quickly at my wrist and my bracelet was gone. When did I lose that? I didn't even know it was gone, strange given it has not left my wrist in almost three years. I picked it up and thought wow that is lucky, if I was to actually look for something so small on purpose, I never would have found it.
​I quickly put it back on my wrist and finished the walk to the house.

Only a few hours later I was weeding around my pond. I seen an old broken solar light, that is a shame I thought and proceeded to pull at those stubborn weeds, as I pulled, I won the battle with the clump of weeds in my hand, the force  moved the dirt and decorative rocks that held to its roots and there under the rocks and covered in dirt was another solar light, perfectly intact laying on it's side. I picked it up, it had not seen the sun in a long time.
I placed it perfectly upright.

I am a big believer in symbolisms , a believer that when it is needed a sign will come, a believer that when you lack faith, something greater than all of us restores it.
What is lost, can be found again
What once was hidden in darkness can be uncovered to shine brighter than ever before.
Oh and did I mention the colours? there are so many of them

​Monique

When life surprises you with unexpected twists and turns, it is ' for me' often best to follow the crumbs and see where they go.

October 2019 lead me to Kenya.

I was a married woman to a wonderful man whom I had been separated from for six months.  My marriage of 20 years had finally been seen for what it was. A perfect friendship built from what once was a great love. We had tried, but it was in vain, who we were was not who we are now. I suppose that is how life is to be. We must always be evolving, always finding a truer version of ourselves.. We have two amazing sons and a mutual respect and love for one another that is honest and pure. He is my best friend and always a place I know I can turn to for advice, as he knows I am the same for him.

So I left for Kenya with a free soul and wandering heart.

Ever heard the saying ' never saw that coming?' Yup! that was me when I first met Tiz.
Mom and I had just finished a safari in the Massai Mara  and Amboseli  and as luck would have it a long time friend invited us to a camp she was running in the mountains of Kenya.

What a perfect way to end mom's last few days in Kenya on a walking safari in the Mathew Ranges.  We jumped at the chance and off we went.

When I first met Tiz it was in a small town called Nanyuki.  He was introduced to us by my friend and was to be our guide for the next few days.
To be honest I didn't think much of Tiz when I first met him, I later found out, he didn't think much of me either, lol, but something happened on the long drive to the camp. Ah yes! that something..... I am not sure what it was, but he made me laugh and I intern made him laugh. The drive up was filled with laughter and a lighting of my soul. He looked different to me in just a few hours, the glances at one another became longer, the spark brightening    with every smile.  I recall asking his age on the drive up, 29 he said.
He was 21 years younger than me and though that perhaps should have been a deterent for me, it wasn't.
I never gave it any more thought after that, perhaps I was being selfish and didn't want to worry about things that didn't matter in the moment in favour of enjoying the moment. By the time I left Kenya, Tiz and I had something, what exactly we didn't know but it was something that neither of us were willing to let go of. 

As I sit and type this well over a year later, it with the purest honesty that I say life has a funny way of putting you exactly where you need to.
Tiz came to Canada.


We are now a couple living the heck out of life.
He makes me laugh and my soul sparks every time he smiles my way. My entire family has met him, including my now Ex husband. ( we actually all live on the same property, different houses) Seems odd? meh, that is your problem, not mine.

it was a process for sure, meeting the boys took longer and had to be done on their time line, not ours, it took sometime to find acceptance. I do believe that my strong bond with my Ex helped the boys, we kept our family solid and safe.  

Tiz and I have had to endure more than what most couples have to go through in years. The challenges of finding our place in one another lives, the cheeky comments on our age difference, the process of him becoming a resident of Canada, Covid restrictions forcing us to cancel our big dream trips overseas, to living in a camper, then a travel trailer and finally now a house.
When you are never apart you learn one another quirks quickly, lol.

I could write a book about the past year and every reader would be glued to it flipping the pages faster than their eyes can process.
To say it's been an adventure is an understatement.

I do not know where the future lies, we never do , do we? Always there is a crumb to follow, but what I do know is as long as I am true to myself and follow my life motto-

Love more than hate
Give more than take
Know the difference between right and wrong
Leave the world a better place than when I arrived in it

​Then I am living life right.  

Monique

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Live where you are, not where you want to be. I understand the concept of this, the whole ' be in the moment, live in the present ' analogy but I do have to say it's bullshit some days. I think this theory only works if you are happy with where you are. Sure I am healthy, sure I have lots of friends and family and sure I am blessed beyond measure with things in my life. I know, I KNOW! be grateful for what you have and what you've accomplished already... blah blah blah. I guess I have never been satisfied with the present for long, always head in the clouds looking for more. More of what ? For me more living, moving and always looking at what's ahead that is  exciting for me. To accomplish a goal is kick ass, it truly is, but I simply cant stop there. Over achiever ? maybe, but not likely. I like to push the limits of what I can do, it is a race against the clock, time always ticks, why wait? Who knows what tomorrow will bring, good things? bad things? who knows. I sure as heck won't wait for others to catch up and I sure as heck won't pull others down as I pass them by. When we draw our last breath on this earth, we are alone in our thoughts, it is just us. I want my thoughts to make me smile, knowing I tore it up this lifetime and knowing wherever I am going they will hear me coming. 

This top ten was actually originally wrote in 2014, but the words are just as true today for me as they were then.I suppose I need to reread my own words every once in awhile, especially when I feel lost, it is then that I use these tips as a swift kick in my ass. LOL. 


1.    Live in the moment  - sounds cliché I know, but if  you are truly living in the moment, you are never worrying about what tomorrow will bring or the hurts of yesterday. 

2.   Believe in yourself   -  All your wants and desires happen because you believe they will happen, the only opinion you will ever need is you own.

3.   Love every one   -   you either love or you don’t,  withholding love is exhausting, it is simpler to look at everything with an open heart. 

4.   Make Time  - Every day make time to really talk to your loved ones, kiss your kids, scratch your dogs ears, that kinda thing,  even 5 minutes of solid connection beats a day of empty conversations. 

5.   Stop everything -  once a day, stop everything you are doing and look at the wonder of where you are, be it a bird flying, a child playing, a song being sung, a tree swaying in the wind , stop and truly enjoy it.

6.   Forgive –  if you have been hurt, feel the pain, stay there until you are done, then forgive the person or event,  things are always darkest, just before dawn, you will shine again. 

7.   Be fearless-   There are no limits to what you can do in life if you face your fears, be bold, be strong, be your destiny 

8.   Never give up-    You are never too old to start living the life you have imagined, One day of doing exactly what you want with your life, can make up for a lifetime of merely existing. 

9.   Give freely  -   Give what you can to someone or something who can never repay you, be it, your time, your money, even your smile, your gift to them, can change the world.

10.Listen to your gut-  let your intuition guide you, I believe we have many paths that we can take in life, but if you listen to your gut, you will follow a path that leads straight your destiny. 

And if I can add a number 11 it would be, Don’t Sweat the small stuff.

I am sure that there are many more things I can add to this list, but for me, if I had to pick just ten, this would be them.  

Time, isn't it something? 
It goes too fast
It goes too slow
It never stops
We never have enough of it and yet time also tells all.

I shared the above words for the first time with my cousin in Ireland. I am not sure what we were talking about, my guess is life. I mean where else does time play a greater factor?   

I currently sit snuggled on my bed, blankets and pillows around me, a fat cat at my feet,  it is not yet 2 in the afternoon, but today I simply didn't want to work. Some days are like that, for me I seem to get lost in my thoughts and the best way I know to find focus is to write, so I do.

I shared these words about time with someone special. It reminded me how.

Time, truly does rule all. 

I have been home from Africa for a few weeks now. I landed smack in the middle of holiday planning, so I guess you could say I felt behind from the moment I landed.  Business, family, life and the always insane holiday shopping all waited for my arrival, all slowly tapping watches with a finger nail, a raised eyebrow and a sense of urgency.  
Before I left for Africa I was, umm well , I actually do not know. I was great, but I was also lost. 

My last journal entry was just before I left.

 "I wonder if I will ever be content in where I am? or am I always to wander this earth seeking recognition in the eyes of others. When I say recognition , I mean the soul type. The people whom you feel most at home with, the eyes that smile without a lip ever curling
The spark of joy that is felt.
The fire of passion. 
The calm of peace."

Now that I am home, I can say with absolute clarity that I know who I am and where I am going. I've always had a good idea, but now it is razor focused. It means change. Change I want and honour, it is time. It is always about time. 
Did I feel peace? Passion? Joy? I did. I truly did. Did I look into eyes that smile? I did. I truly did.
 For if there is one thing that is absolutely magical about time, it is this.
Time gives you moments.
​
Moments make a life. 

Do not give up your moments.

Time is waiting for you to choose

Choose the life you are meant to live

Choose you and I promise you, time will seem to stand still ever so briefly to look and smile at you. 



​Monique Vek 

I just finished reading my last blog post from June. I sounded conflicted, almost as though I am trying to convince myself, perhaps I am, it is that heart and head thing again. I sit here at my desk tap tap tapping away at my keyboard, a glass of wine to my right ( port, sweet and smooth ) My old dog Jasper beside me and my young dog Ranger sighing in boredom behind me.
I type almost automatically, not thinking, just doing, tap tap tap.
Writing exactly where I am right at this moment.

​ I leave soon on a three month adventure back to Africa. I know I am blessed to go, but I also wonder what the heck am I looking for?  Why is it not here, right here, right now, why is it always somewhere else?  I do not know the answers and perhaps that is what bothers me the most.  A soul that feels lost is always destined to wander, always looking for that ' something '  Is is love? purpose? adventure?  Some days it is almost a desperate search,.
I wonder if I will ever be content in where I am? or am I always to wander this earth seeking recognition in the eyes of others. When I say recognition , I mean the soul type. The people whom you feel most at home with, the eyes that smile without a lip ever curling
The spark of joy that is felt.
The fire of passion.
The calm of peace.
I seek all of this ? maybe , I actually have no idea. I just know that I must be feeling I am missing something to always have my sights set somewhere else. 
Perhaps I will never have that feeling, perhaps I am not meant to, some souls wander. I just do not want to wander lost.  

So I seek purpose in all I do, I find value in what I do and I am okay with living  three quarters whole.  

Perhaps that last quarter will find me one day, or I it, but until then i will keep searching, longing, loving and living. 

See you soon Africa , see you soon. 

Ever feel like life is pulling you in a direction you do not understand?
Most times it is confusing as shit, a constant argument between your heart and your head.  

Your heart- it wants what it wants, a gravitational pull that you blindly follow, it feels good, it feels right, no thought process, just deep instinct to pull forward. But is it for the best reasons? is it selfish to want what you want? How do you know? 

Your head- the logical counterpart to your heart, it thinks steps through, it foresees possible outcomes and weighs in on the percentages of success and failure for each prompt that the heart wants.  But is it right to leave nothing to chance? Are we finishing the song in our mind without ever singing one word?

These are my ying and yang and for many others a constant circle of round and round, The heart, The mind, back and forth.

Do i know the answers for you? I don't. I wish I did, then perhaps someone out there would know the answers for me. 

I knew that the very first time I stepped onto African soil, the energy pulled me deeper and deeper into its roots. I knew I was home. I knew that it was here I would leave my life mark, but who's story am I suppose to share?
What story will be the one that changes everything?  Is it mine? Is it someone else's? 
That I do not  know. 
The mind says, stay home, you have a great business and career, you have a family and friends who love you. Home is safe, I know this, I know the end result.  How can I risk it all for a heart pull?  
I guess for me, How can I not? 
Is it scary as heck? Yes! I know the risks I take, I know I travel to an un certain future. Even as I type, my mind combats my heart, throwing doubt my way. What are you doing? you are a fool! don't be selfish! You always want more more more!  Just be happy with what you have, many want your life! 
I am almost in tears with the pinball affect my mind plays. 
​

I bounced all the factors back in forth in my mind, as any good person would right? but in the end it was a prompt to just do it, that my heart lead the charge on and the mind politely followed.

I am afraid to dare to dream and I am also brave enough to dare to dream. 

So I have booked my trip Africa for this fall.

I am full of hope, dreams, love, fear and most important purpose.

For what is a life without it. 

So if I may offer advice, let it be the same words I gave myself. 

There are no second chances at life, you have this one, live every moment with the same zest and fire as though it were your last day on earth. Take the chance. You feel the way you do for a reason, if you do not do it now, Your heart will keep pushing it forward until it can't be denied. May as well give into it now and love every stinking second, for once we get there and see the reason for it all, we will wish we had done it sooner. 

​xoxoxoxox

​Monique

This was a social media post I did recently.  Something I was feeling at the time inspired me to write it, the words jumped from my mind to the page. I guess that is when you know it is a truth. The words spilled from my mind faster than I could write them and in the end, I sat back and looked at what I wrote and thought. Do I hit publish? do I really share this?  That is the thing about blogs for me, It is not a window to who I am, it is not a door to who I am, it is the entire outside structure being blown down and all you see is the foundation. My foundations . Me.  
 As my first blog post on a brand new website holding my name in the url. 
This is where I will begin. 
The journey is now ours to share. 
This is not about me, it is about us, all of us. 
Thank you for following these crumbs with me.
​Here we go. Welcome to my website.