When dreams die

Reading the title of my blog seems so dramatic, so unnecessary and yet  how I feel. I try to be brave, I try not to let pain rule me and yet I can not numb it. On September 13th 2022 I lost my girl Sonetto, she wasn't even four months old. I recall the day she was born, May 22nd 2022 I received the exciting message that my mare Encore had given me for her final foal, a filly. A filly I have wanted ever since I decided to retire my mare to be a mama for the rest of her days. She had her first foal Titus at age 19, a few years later she had Chrome, followed by Soprano all I was grateful for, All I had held hope for the miracle of a filly. So to say I was excited was an understatement 


​Encore at age 24 as her gift to me, gave my a perfect little package, a beautiful bay filly. I named her Sonetto ( meaning little song )  I never got to meet this little girl in person until the end of August. I settled for pictures and videos of her all the while knowing soon I would meet her. The updates were fantastic, she was a mini Encore in her attitude and overall persona. When I finally made that trip to Alberta to meet her,  I recall walking to the fence, whistling for Encore, her head popped up as she gave me a welcome nicker, in the pile of hay beside lay Sonetto. I cried happy tears, there she was, she popped her head up and greeted me, unlike her brothers she was quite happy to make my acquaintance.

 I visited them both, told Encore how proud I was of her and whispered great plans into Sonetto's ears.
I left that day only to return a week later. The visit was great with both of them, even tried to visit with Soprano, now a yearling, he is aloof and pretty sure I am the dumbest thing he's ever seen. Boys, I thought to myself, as I walked back to the pasture where Encore and Sonetto were. Sonetto left her moms side to see me, we talked more about how she was a star and how much I loved her, it was instant for me and when she looked at me, I felt the same thing. I told her how much of an amazing barrel racer her mama was and how I wished I had more knowledge at the time to train her, Encore was that NFR horse that I didn't have the tools to train correctly, now I told Sonetto I can do it with you. I kissed her nose, smiled at Encore and "said take care of your girl" and walked away. I never imagined that would be the last time, two weeks later she was gone.
The cause was left undetermined, a massive infection took over her body, none of the usual suspects were detected, We tested for them all. All the vet said was I do not know. I did try to save her, she wanted to fight, so I fought alongside her, I recall hearing the tone in my vets voice, it was sympathetic and understanding, but without words i heard her say " there's no hope" I cried more in that week, than I have in a long time. 
WHAT THE FUCK! How is this fair? it makes no sense! What have I done so wrong in my life to deserve this? Why give me something I want so bad, only to take it away? I was mad, sad and so lost. 
Less than a week later I had to make the call to put Sonetto down, give her peace and freedom. There are no words for that moment, a dream lost, a young spirit taken too soon, a woman on her knees begging for a light.















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I guess the saving grace was that shortly after I had to leave for Africa for a planned group safari that I had organized, followed by family joining me a few weeks later. It kept me busy and for the most part no one knew my heart was heavy, it was only moments, when I left to be alone that I allowed sorrow to creep back in, it's been six weeks now and I thought I had come to terms with it, but a condolence card in a pile of mail upon my return from Africa showed me I have healed nothing and only buried the pain. 
I have lost many pet's over the years, cats, dogs, horses. I understand the loss. I understand that when you love an animal, that it is going to die some day,  us humans generally out live our pets. The pain of loss  is worth it to be given that undeniable love you get from an animal. I understand and accept this, so why did this one filly hit so much deeper? I have had this happen once before with the loss of my heart dog Major, it's been almost seven  years since he left me, to date I have only been to his grave four times, I try, I really do, but as I step closer, I am hit by a wall of despair, I am a coward to the pain, it exposes too much in me that I can not handle.
Sonetto will be this for me now. I already feel the difference in my sorrow.
When Major passed, it took some time to see light, I blogged about him too. When I feel the most, I write, it is my only escape. I eventually got a new dog ( Ranger ) and he helped fill the void, but I know it is not the same, it never will be.  I will never have a filly, that dream is now lost. I have to accept that. 
I do however smile a little bit when I think of Titus and Soprano , Sonetto's brothers, as they now carry the torch of a dream I had given to Sonetto. Every time I enter in an arena to compete, I like to think Sonetto is there running alongside us, teasing the boys saying "move your ass, you don't want to be beat by a girl do you? "
Her registration papers will always be in my horse trailer for me to see and keep pushing forward to live the dream and keep my promise to her that she will be a super star through her brothers now.  
 I miss you. I will do this. I am sorry I couldn't save you
Until I see you again, be free little girl

As a foot note, please know I share for me, it is how I heal. if anyone or everyone reads this is of no concern to me. I do ask, if you see me at a barrel race to know I am there trying to keep a promise and as much as I want to runaway from the sport of barrel racing, I'll keep my head high and drop it low when I feel the need to feel. There is no shame in heartache, but I am the type of woman who wants to be strong and uplift others, not burden them with my confusion.  
​Monique